Private Function’s Chaotic Tour Diary

Original photo by Jhonny Russell / handmade collage by B

Tour diaries are often full of glamorous highlights and polished moments, but not this one. This is the real deal: messy, chaotic, and sometimes hilarious. Naarm (Melbourne) band Private Function’s adventure took them from the Aotearoa (New Zealand) wilderness at Camp A Low Hum and beyond, before looping back around Australia. Along the way, they encountered highs, lows, and plenty of ‘what the hell just happened?’ moments.

Written by frontman Chris Penney for Gimmie, this diary offers a peek into the madness—good shows, wild experiences, and the kind of stories that only make sense after a few too many beers. If you’re looking for a laugh, keep reading. It’s a series of events he’ll never forget (and possibly regret some). You can also find our in-depth chat with Chris HERE.

Originally, this was going to appear in Gimmie’s next print edition, but with the cost of living making it harder to afford groceries, rent, and other essentials, we’ve put our print edition on hold for now.

Private Function Tour Diary:

So, a little backstory about this tour: it was actually meant to be a co-headlining tour with our New Jersey pals, Screaming Females. Unfortunately, a couple of weeks before the shows were announced, they announced that they were splitting up.

It was totally heartbreaking—I love those guys so much, and I was completely devastated by the news. I really hope they get back together one day; they were one of the best that ever was.

Vale, Screamales.

(I don’t wanna get too sidetracked here, but I’m not sure when or why we started saying “vale” all of a sudden. People just started doing it one day, and I guess I just went along with them? It’s kinda like that biscuit Biscoff. Biscoff didn’t exist when I was a kid, and now it’s everywhere—and Australia is pretending like it’s always been here. You can get Biscoff Kit-Kats now, and they’re marketed like, “FINALLY… YOU ASKED AND WE DELIVERED! TWO CHILDHOOD FAVOURITES TOGETHER AT LAST!”

It’s just like… man, have we gotten to the point where we’ve truly mined all the best flashbacks from the past, and now companies are attempting to create fake memories of our childhood to sell us imaginary nostalgia?

Fuck Biscoff, and fuck the Lotus company.

…That’s bands for ya, though. They love breaking up. They’re literally always doing it—it’s wild.

YUGAMBEH COUNTRY (GOLD COAST)

First stop of the tour was the greatest country in Australia… QUEENSLAND. Always a pleasure heading up north—great beaches, great weather, and great people.

The first show was at Vinnies Dive on the Gold Coast, one of our fav venues in Australia and run by our old mate (and first PF manager) Glenn Stewart.

We got to the Gold Coast early in the day. Aidan and I had to drive out to the country to hire some gear for the night. It was ruthlessly hot that day, and when we knocked on this random person’s house, it was answered by an older, sweating man in nothing but tight budgie smugglers.

It would have made a beautiful Queensland postcard.

The man looked us up and down in silence for a few seconds, then just said, ‘Well, well, well… looks like we’ve got some rockers. I better go put a black t-shirt on.’

Paying for their best dance moves! Photo: Jhonny Russell.

He came back out with a black shirt—still not wearing pants.
God bless Queensland.

The lineup that night was Shock Value and Dad Fight—both awesome bands we’d wanted to see for ages.

We decided to try something different for this show. Instead of writing a setlist, we put all of our songs in a hat and had the audience take turns choosing the next song. The sound guy, Bailey, decided that a hat wasn’t funny enough, so he gave us a vacuum cleaner to pull the songs out of. So, throughout the show, I was lugging around this huge old vacuum cleaner.

Getting the crowd to pull the setlist out of a vacuum worked so well that we decided we’d do it at every show on this tour.

After we finished playing, Anthony was watching the merch table and decided to arm wrestle people. If you beat Anthony, you got a free PF shirt.
Nobody ended up beating him.

As all the alpha males slowly shuffled away from the merch table DEFEATED, a new challenger appeared… She was a tall goth chick who demanded that Anthony have a thumb war with her.

Powering up the setlist. Photo: Jhonny Russell.

The reason? She was born with three thumbs. Two of them were amputated shortly after birth, but you could see the little scars where they originally were. If thumb wars had a general, Anthony was staring at her.

The thumb war was truly epic. People gathered around, cheering. She had an odd dexterity and speed with her thumb that made pinning her down almost impossible. The battle raged for a few solid minutes.

But eventually, she was knocked down by the undeniable girth of Anthony’s thumb.

Vale this final thumb. May you rest in peace with your two fallen sisters.

MEANJIN (BRISBANE)

The next day, we woke up and went for a walk around Surfers Paradise.

We saw a sign for ‘THE WORLD’S BIGGEST TIMEZONE’ and decided we had to go.
It was pretty big!

(But, like, not THAT big.)

They had one of those big old ’90s shooting galleries—a full cowboy/western-themed set where you can shoot the hats off cowboys and knock over beer cans, etc. I always forget that Milla has an insanely good eye for shooting. She used to do it as a kid in Canada, and whenever we get the chance to mess around with a gun, she absolutely nails it.

We spent a couple of hours at Timezone and then bailed to drive to Brisbane.

The Brisbane show was awesome, as it always is. Brisbane has some of the best live music punters in Australia—always ready to get on it and get wild.

Last time we played in Meanjin, it was at a house party for our good mate Kirby’s 21st. It was an awesome party, and it’s where we first saw My Friend Chloe play live. We were so blown away by their set that night we asked them to open up for us at this show. They killed it.

We also had Prink on the bill. We’d always wanted to see them live and loved every second of it.

I really love The Zoo. It’s such an awesome old venue, and we hadn’t played there for a few years, so it was great to finally get back. All the staff and everyone involved are so goddamn lovely. We love yas.

We all got up surprisingly early the next morning. Aidan woke up and decided to cook a huge batch of scrambled eggs for breakfast. He had me laughing so much—he was loudly singing as he cooked, changing the lyrics to Waylon Jennings’ ‘I’m a Ramblin’ Man’ into ‘I’m a Scramblin’ Man.’

Scramblin’ Man.

The eggs were 10/10. The man knows how to scram.

GUMBAYNGGIRR COUNTRY (COFFS HARBOUR)

Whenever we tour Queensland/Northern NSW, we can usually fit in three shows—Gold Coast, Brisbane, and Byron Bay.

But (and I’m really trying not to be a cunt here) I kinda hate Byron Bay, and I don’t really wanna go there again.

The small crew of locals are awesome, but it’s mostly just dealing with annoying backpackers and general Australian fuckwits on holiday. Byron Bay is like walking around a giant corporate shopping centre, but for some reason, everyone’s patting themselves on the back for not having a McDonald’s.

Our friend Aidan (not to be confused with our scramblin’ man Aidan) had just started a new venue in Coffs Harbour and had been asking us to play there for a while. We’re always keen to play a new town, so we jumped on the opportunity.

The venue was amazing—a good-sized little room at the back of the Coffs Harbour Hotel. It’s called The Backroom, and we can’t recommend it enough if you’re a touring band. It’s so important to support up-and-coming venues in smaller towns, and we couldn’t have been happier to play there.

Coffs Harbour has a really solid scene going on, and I hope it keeps growing.

The lineup was Power Drill and Purple Disturbance.

I always love seeing Power Drill. Every time I’ve seen them live, they fucking kill it.

Purple Disturbance are an anomaly. They’re one of the best teenage bands I’ve ever seen, and I’d recommend everyone keep an eye on them. I saw Tom, the singer, getting kicked out of the pub after their set. I ran up and asked what was going on. He pointed to his bare feet and said he’d lost his shoes somewhere inside. He’s also 17, so I feel like that wasn’t helping him get back in, lol.

We slept at the pub that night.

We drank downstairs until it shut, then went upstairs and watched Carrie on the TV with Power Drill. I forgot how awesome Carrie is. Sissy Spacek rules so hard.

We woke up (always a bit disappointing) the next day and drove back to Brisbane to fly home.

NAARM (MELBOURNE)

Hometown show, baybeeeeee!

We played at The Nightcat. For anyone not familiar, it’s a 360-degree stage in Fitzroy.

We’d never played there before, and I hadn’t been in years. It’s semi-rare for a rock band to play there since it’s usually a soul, hip-hop, electronic, and “world music” venue.

Nighcat projection. Photo: Deaf Chris

Bit of a side note, but “world music” is such a weird genre. Do people still use that term?
PF is from the world.

OFFICIAL PF PRESS RELEASE: From this day moving forward, Private Function demands to be classified as “world music.”

I reckon The Nightcat show was one of my favourite shows we’ve ever played. The sound was amazing, and the lighting was some of the best I’ve ever seen. The lighting dude even had a laser projector shining the words “STILL ON TOP” onto the roof.

It was also the first time I’ve ever used a cordless mic, and I’m not sure I wanna go back. The freedom, bro. BRO, the freedom.

Photo: @deafchris

Anthony, Milla, and I were all wireless for the set, so it felt like we really took advantage of the 360-degree stage.

The lineup was Walking To The Grocery Store and Dr Sure’s Unusual Practice. Both bands were on fire that night, and the whole show had such a great vibe.

The Nightcat truly rules—what an awesome venue.

The next day, we had to fly to New Zealand at 5 AM, which meant we had to be at the airport by 3:30 AM. for the international flight. Half the band just stayed up after the show and went straight to the airport.

Photo: @deafchris

AOTEAROA (NEW ZEALAND)

We landed in NZ a few hours later. Most of us managed to get some sleep on the plane, and the excitement of being in a new country helped everyone push through the exhaustion.

Our other ride is this dragon – Wellington Airport

Aotearoa is unbelievably beautiful—every corner of it is just breathtakingly gorgeous. It’s fucked up, man. It’s really amazing.

The reason we were there was to play Camp A Low Hum. If you’ve never heard of it, here’s the deal:

Camp A Low Hum is a two-weekend-long camping festival just outside Wellington. Its brilliance comes down to the curation. It’s predominantly organised by Ian Jorgensen, who travels the world watching live music, then somehow puts together the greatest festival lineup you’ve ever seen.

One of the coolest things about this festival is that the lineup is never released. You don’t know who’s playing until you rock up to the gates with your ticket. They hand you a lineup, a timetable, and point you to a spot to pitch your tent.

I was lucky enough to play Camp A Low Hum back in 2014 with my other band, Mesa Cosa, and it’s incredible to see how much it’s grown and perfected itself. Every single act I saw this year was ridiculously good.

I don’t have enough space to shout out every band I loved, but my standout sets were Party Dozen, Cable Ties, Dartz, Georgia Knight, Splinter, Dole Bludger, and Tongue Dissolver. I probably saw 20 more bands, and every single set floored me.

An awesome addition this year: every stage was 360 degrees. No backstage areas, no separation between artists and punters. It was brilliant.

Honestly, I could write a full review of this festival and all the things I experienced—things I’ll remember until the day I die—but I’m starting to bore myself here. I’ve gotten way off track.

At one point in this diary, I was rambling about PF being considered “world music.” Now I’m wondering if I should’ve cut that (or this) in the final edit. (I didn’t).

AHURIRI (NAPIER):

During the week, we went on a small tour with this amazing band from Wellington called Dartz. They just released a new album called Dangerous Day To Be A Cold One and I think you should go put it on right now and read the rest of this tour diary listening to it. It’s outrageously catchy and super fun.

We played two shows with them around Aotearoa. The first one was in Napier at a place called Cabana, which turned out to be the oldest music venue in New Zealand.

Napier is a super unique city. There was a massive earthquake there in 1931 and it basically flattened the whole town. The local council decided to re-build everything in the style of the time, which luckily happened to be Art-Deco (my fav).

It’s currently the Art-Deco capital of the world. There were some amazingly unique Art-Deco buildings there—some that really stood out were the buildings that blended Art-Deco and traditional Māori art.

The Māori art style is more detailed and playful than you would expect to see on a traditional Art-Deco building, so the rare amalgamation of both the minimalist geometry and intricate curvature really complemented each other and brought the buildings closer, architecturally, to something resembling more of a subtle Art Nouveau style.

The next morning, I was driving the car and thinking about all the little cultural differences between Australia and New Zealand.

All of a sudden, I saw a bumper sticker that was one of those “two in the pink, one in the stink” hands, except it only had “two in the pink.”

I yelled out, ‘Woah, check it out! In New Zealand they only have two in the pink and NONE in the stink on their bumper stickers!’

… Jimmy pointed out that it was a peace sign bumper sticker.

TAIRĀWHITI (GISBORNE):

This next venue might be one of the coolest venues I’ve ever been to in my life.

SMASH PALACE!

‘ANTHONY SMASH!’

Smash Palace is your typical ‘bunch of crazy crap on the walls’ bar but taken to the extreme. The beer garden has a complete World War Two fighter plane hanging over it. It’s so big they used to have a restaurant inside it. It towers above you the whole night alongside a giant papier-mâché  T-Rex and a roof filled with thousands of hats from all over the world stuck to it.

The opening band was called Spiky. The singer Corey is in a wheelchair, and funnily enough, I recognised him from his old band Sit Down In Front, who I’d been following for a few years on Instagram. They did solid 77’ punk with a bunch of covers thrown in. I reckon the singer did one of the best Bon Scott impersonations I’ve ever heard. Ask any singer—Bon is fucking hard to replicate.

Dartz played next, and it was one of the best shows I’ve seen all year. Hopefully, if you pushed play on their album when I told you to, you should be at the track ‘Paradise’.

‘Paradise’ is a subtle anti-colonial anthem addressing not just colonialism but the financial inequality that runs rampant through New Zealand. It also has one of the best lyrics of 2024:

You built your house on stolen land, so we gotta reclaim the beach now, imma roll up and spread out on my 97’ Digimon beach towel.

In my long life of listening to music, I’ve heard the phrase ‘I love you’ seventeen million times. I’ve heard the phrase ‘’97 Digimon Beach Towel’approximately ONE time in my life.

That’s innovation, and innovation is true art.

Holy shit, did we have a great time at Smash Palace! The bartenders made these insane homemade shots that were some of the most unique shots I’ve ever had in my life. We sat and drank with the bar staff until the police literally stormed the venue and shut the place down.

I’ll remember that night for the rest of my life.

BACK 2 CAMP A LOW HUM:

We drove back to Camp A Low Hum the next day.

Camp A Low Hum took place over two weekends this year. Although there was no festival during the week, Ian (the camp organiser) had organised a series of seminars and talks for anyone who wanted to stay. The mid-week topics ranged from “touring New Zealand successfully” to “manipulating analogue televisions to create practical effects.”

One amazing thing Ian arranged mid-week was turning one of the stages into a recording studio where the artists could record new songs, then cut them straight to vinyl at camp. The rule was the songs had to be new, and the record had to be a split with another band playing the festival.

We decided to record three new songs and split the record with the Dunedin band Pretty Dumb. We became mates with Pretty Dumb at the festival and hung out with them every day. I never actually got to see them play live, though, and I’m so pissed off I didn’t.

Lauren nailed every single Chesdale-inspired cover.

Lauren from PF is getting some major props right now…

It was our job to hand-draw all 25 of our record sleeves. During the week, we became obsessed with this cheap New Zealand cheese called Chesdale, so Lauren decided to theme every record cover around Chesdale Cheese. She’s an amazing artist and totally, totally killed these album covers. Good onya, Lauren.

Just living our best cheese slice life!

Long story short, for any keen PF fans out there: there are twenty-five PF records with three never-before-heard songs floating around NZ. Try to get one, I dare you. Then give it to me, because I don’t have one.

We played our final NZ shows at the second Camp A Low Hum weekend and headed home.

I’d like to add that I checked the PF bank account, and between all six of us at Camp A Low Hum, we drank:

26 cases of beer

7 bottles of liquor

5 goon sacks

3 cases of Strong Zero

It was a bit much.

We’d like to thank Ian for having us at the festival, and all the amazing organisers for putting it together. Y’all killed it.

On the flight home to Australia, Lauren was cracking me up because we were delirious, talking about how we should save Furbys from wet markets and how Furbys would probably make the best bushmeat.

Driftwood and good vibes only!

TARNDANYA (ADELAIDE):

Welp, I fucked up.

They say that sometimes you’ve got charisma, and sometimes you’ve got charisn’tma (I’m pretty sure they say that).

And at this Adelaide show, I definitely had charisn’tma.

PF is a band that’s always trying to push the limits of live performance and see what we can get away with on stage. I’ve had a long conversation with myself this week about where “the line” is with our live shows and when it should not be crossed.

“The line” for me is when somebody feels unsafe or unwelcome at a show. And I know some people felt that way at our Adelaide show.

I was way too drunk and belligerent to be on stage that night.

The show just went way too over the top.

I’m so sorry to the venue and the staff.

If there’s anyone I don’t want to make uncomfortable, it’s people just doing their job. Especially people in a bar.

The rest of the show was really great, though!

Witch Spit were genuinely amazing, and The 745s absolutely killed it.

Adelaide holds a really special place in our hearts, and we always love going there.

A homemade one-of-a-kind PF shirt!

DJILANG (GEELONG):

When we arrived in Geelong the next day, we got some bad news: one of our close family members had to be taken to the hospital for an emergency operation. Everything is good now, but it was pretty scary for a moment.

Because of that, we had to cancel the last three shows of the tour.

It was a total shame because we handpicked the lineups for those shows and were so keen to see every single band we were playing with.

So, Geelong would be our last show of the tour…

And it was GREAT.

The Barwon Club is always a great venue to play at, and everyone in Geelong is consistently a legend.

Persecution Blues opened the night, and had Pint Man with them. If you’re not familiar with Pint Man, he’s a member of the band who just stands there, staring at the audience and drinking pints. He drank 6 pints in a 40-minute set. That’s a good effort. Not only was it the best Persecution Blues set I’ve ever seen, but it was also one of the best shows of the year.

Pintman from Persecution Blues.

Next up was Dragnet.

I feel like such a dumbass because I’d heard of Dragnet but always assumed they were a glam band for some reason. I dunno why. They were insane. It was perfect jangular egg punk—pinpoint precision and perfect execution. Also, any band that incorporates a sampler into their set wins my heart forever.

We drove back home that night, coming down from a great tour…

BACK TO (A HARSH) REALITY:

A few days after the tour finished, the PF wheels really started falling off…
Just like every band in Australia right now, we’re consistently dealing with the punishing reality of being in a band.

Juggling mental illness, dealing with the stress of social media, becoming increasingly aware that financial freedom will probably never be attained through music, watching rock and roll slowly slip into obscurity, and yet continuing to dedicate our lives to it. My heroes are senior citizens. That was an odd realisation. (Love you forever, Ozzy.)

Photo: Jhonny Russell.

The pressures of being in a touring band grow with every tour—it’s a lot.
Funnily enough, I’m typing this tour diary as I sit in the waiting room, waiting to see a psychologist for the first time in my life.

I’ve become increasingly paranoid that World War III and climate change are running at a direct parallel to each other. The ocean is heating up at record speeds, and we’re becoming complacent with the normalisation of genocide and murder. I feel like growing up during peacetime has made me pathetic, and as we walk into the war-torn future, the children of “Gen Alpha” will throne upon me, staring down at my weakness like a demon disgusted. I need a gun.

These kinds of thoughts have been spinning in my head like a mouse on a wheel, and as I take a moment to stop and think about the future of Private Function, one thing enters my brain…
It’s just a band lol.

Who gives a fuck.

PF STILL ON TOP!!

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